I am not ashamed

To be the hopeless dreamer

To think of a face

Cracked

And Love Underneath

I am not ashamed

To fall from the arms of love

And choose instead

Lust

Her fraternal twin

I am not ashamed

To lose what I had yearned for

Willingly with Strength

Pride

Sacrificed for freedom

I am not ashamed

To listen to music no one knows

Or hears or likes

Being

Me and nothing simpler

I am not ashamed

To laugh and to smile and be happy

During the tempests

Alive

Not overcome and broken

I am not ashamed

To love

For all I ever wanted

Was to love and to love and to love

And not to be frozen

Oozing out of my heart

The black thing is in me again

But they don’t see it

Ever

I’m laughing to their ears

Inside tearing and raging

Fighting against the vaccuum

Everything is never enough

There’s always something going wrong

Everytime

A reason to fall into the dark

Descend into depression

I smile to their eyes

Inside crying and choking

He looks straight at me

Stares for awhile

I return the look with pleading eyes

I need some one to understand

I feel like I’ll die

I’m dying

I’m never happy for long

It’s like waves up and down

All the time

I need him to understand

And for a little, I think he does

But he raises his eyebrows

Looks away

And the wave crashes down

“this dream never ends” you said
“this feeling never goes
The time will never come to slip away”
“this wave never breaks” you said
“this sun never sets again
These flowers will never fade”
“this world never stops” you said
“this wonder never leaves
The time will never come to say goodbye”
“this tide never turns” you said
“this night never falls again
These flowers will never die”

Never die
Never die
These flowers will never die

“this dream always ends” I said
“this feeling always goes
The time always comes to slip away”
“this wave always breaks” I said
“this sun always sets again
And these flowers will always fade”
“this world always stops” I said
“this wonder always leaves
The time always comes to say goodbye”
“this tide always turns” I said
“this night always falls again
And these flowers will always die”

Always die
Always die
These flowers will always die

Between you and me
It’s hard to ever really know
Who to trust
How to think
What to believe
Between me and you
It’s hard to ever really know
Who to choose
How to feel
What to do

Never fade
Never die
You give me flowers of love

Always fade
Always die
I let fall flowers of blood

Hey, – - – - -. It’s been awhile since we talked, I mean really talked. Not the silly small talk that hides what you really want to say, but the kind of conversation between people who’ve known each other so well so long. Or who knew, as the case may be. I feel like I don’t know you at all anymore, which is why I post this on my blog rather than sending it to your email, or calling you, or even saying it in person. Sad as it is, I’ll post it, and maybe if you ever think of me, you’ll find this. I’m not blaming you for leaving, I hope you know that. It really is a shock that you even stayed around for that long. I was the one who left, I was the one who did this to you. And now you’re doing it to me, which is one of those fuck irony things. Still, I miss you a helluva lot, and I wish you would talk to me. I wish you’d invite me to hang out with you, or to your birthday party, or to talk in the hall during a movie. Still, it isn’t right. I can’t ask you that, I can’t request what I denied you for so long. I don’t even know if I’ve changed, if you came back, would it be the same thing all over again? I’d like to think I’ve learned to let go of him a bit, I’d like to think I’ve been hanging out with you and the rest of the group more, but then again, I’ve been wrong before. While I’m letting everything out, I’d just like to say she really annoys me. I’m pretty sure it’s mostly a jealousy thing, but  you guys seem to act to weird around each other. And she’s always hanging all over you, and thinking she’s the only person in the world that matters to you, and thinking no one else knows you like she does. Maybe that’s true, but I used to know you, used to probably being the key phrase there, but maybe I still do. Please don’t get mad at me for saying anything, I’ll state once more it’s probably just jealousy, and I’m saying this not to be judged, but to let everything out. Also, I thought the fact that you guys wrote an article on your friendship was kinda stupid, and it was already pretty soppy even without the editors’ editing. She’s really mean to, to pretty much everyone except you. I know she’s alot better, but she still says random, mean things, that sometimes sting a bit more than they need to. Still, she doesn’t have a lot to do with what I’m trying to say here, I just had to tell some one that. The thing is, we’ve switched roles. I guess you really don’t know what you have til it’s gone. Now you’re the one spending a lot of time with just one person, and I’m watching and waiting for you. Also, you’re rarely “there” with the group anymore. Yeah, you sit there, but you don’t say much, and you don’t even sit by us sometimes. It confuses them, and it makes the Wizened one (yeah, I’m totally calling him that now) just follow you around. By the way, I hate that. Even though he’s willing, you shouldn’t treat him like a lost puppy you let trail you. You just take from him and don’t give anything back. Of course, he’s probably just doing that and you’d probably be more than happy if he left, and if I’m wrong, I’m sorry. But in the end, I know we had a hard time. High school is a time of change, and getitng used to knew things. To be honest, I really wish it was like it used to be. Without all this complicated stuff. And, I don’t know if you can or want to, but, I wish you’d come back. Maybe even a little bit. Will you spend time with me, maybe even call me and suggest it? Maybe we could find a balance, with you and her, and me and him. To be honest, I’d really like that, especially since you’ll be gone next year. You probably won’t or can’t, a post on a blog isn’t enough to make up for a year of my, betrayel, I guess. But if you can, even a little bit, I’d… really like that. As much as they don’t like admitting it, the anacondas (who are sitll superior, regardless) miss the red pandas, and wish they’d come back. They’d even get on their kness if they had them. I’m sorry, – - – - – , for what I did. And if you can possibly give me another chance, please come back.

Love,

CCS (- – - – - – -)

Isn’t it funny how things change

How they break

I wonder if you even know what I’m talking about

I wonder if I looked, would I see you in your eyes?

Or the wall that fools everyone else

Would you be there, for me?

Or did you retreat in the back of your soul, I bet you did

See, you aren’t like me, like us

Laughter is the only way we live

But you, you were made for something greater

We all knew it, all saw it in you

And just like all the others, I could see your pain

But I couldn’t understand it

Get used to it

I couldn’t fix you

So while you cried there, I laughed it all away

And you looked at me like I’m some kind of monster

Cause you didn’t understand my pain either

But you couldn’t laugh, you wilted away

I watched you fade, but I kept laughing

I believed in you

I really thought you’d stay, I thought I could keep you

Like them, I never could let you go

So you’re leaving, well good for you

I guess you gave up hiding in your eyes

Are you going away so we can’t look anymore?

You were always good at running

They were always good at being fooled

To each his own

When you’re gone, I’ll keep laughing

See if I can keep these threads together

My tapestry won’t be as good as yours, but maybe I can keep it from breaking

Long enough for you to come home

Chiding me for the messed up stitches, the knots, the loose threads

And fix it all up again

I’ll laugh it all off again

Of course

But inside, I’ll wish I could weave as well as you

You were right, you know

Almost prophetic

“she’s not here, and I’m an excellent cleaning lady”

You won’t be here, and I’ll try to be the cleaning lady

“Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
Cause I swear
For the last time
I won’t trust myself with you”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The same song plays in my ears, again and again. From The Inside, by Linkin Park. Put on repeat, turned up full volume, drowning out the worries in my mind. But hell, now he’s walking up to me, a vibrant smile all over your face. I don’t know what to do, trapped here by my words and promises. Then he’s holding me, like he always does. Squeezing tight, whispering “I love you” in my ear. I marvel at how I would have welcomed his embrace so recently, and now I can hardly breathe in his arms. Still, I hug him back, revulsion rising up from my gut to choke me. I stare emotionlessly at the wall behind you, “I love you too“, I say back, unsure what I mean by those volatile words. Then relief, the bell rings, and I’m free.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Though dull, the classes pass too soon, with thoughts of some one forbidden in my mind. I don’t smile, staring empty through the window, wishing I knew what I wanted.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Don’t know who to trust
No surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust
And the lies”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Too soon, I’m back in your arms again, and he’s still in my mind. I watch the rest of them around me, the music drowning out their words.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Trying not to break
But I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The stream of music keeping me alive is broken by laughter. I turn my music up louder, but I can still hear them and I can see him staring at me sadly, wondering why I’m not laughing, staring emotionlessly at the wall. I can’t stay here anymore, my mind screams at me to leave. Before they know what’s going on, I grab my bag and quickly walk out of the room. Away from his innocent eyes.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Sitting in a bathroom stall, finally alone. I let myself release, tears forming in my eyes. Quickly they’re wiped away, no one will see. No one will know.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Walking down the hallway, wondering if they’re thinking of me. I instinctively go to my locker, not thinking, just drowning in the music.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I’m rudely awakened by a locker door slamming into my head, “Oh.. I’m sorry”, the girl begins, smiling far too sweetly. I stare back at her, I wonder if she sees the cold in my eyes. Her false apology is interrupted as her boyfriend grabs her spandex clothed waist and kisses her. I quickly gather my books and leave. Thoughts of ‘him’ follow me like a ghost. Lazily trailing after me, haunting my soul with his laugh.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

At the bus stop, surrounded by a swarming mass of people. Laughing, joking, I turn the song up louder. Still, my thoughts vie for my attention. “I think I love him, but why… and I’m betraying him by thinking of some one else, and…..” I turn the music up so I can’t hear my thoughts anymore.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
Cause I swear
For the last time
I won’t trust myself with you”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Then the bus pulls up, and it’s a mad stampede as people rush to be the first to board. I calmly draw my pass from my wallet and walk slowly towards the bus. Eventually I board the bus, standing grasping one of the handholds, staring blankly out the window. People are all around, swearing at each other, laughing, doing their best to interrupt my vigil. But I will not be distracted, and I scream the words in the back of my mind. Still, the shrieking laugh of a boy I barely know pierces the music. I turn to look at his group, disdainfully cold. They feel my gaze and look at me, hushed into silence. I turn around and hold back the urge to cry.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

It’s the stop almost before mine, everyone pushing to get off. I’m jostled and shoved, but people are all too busy to say they’re sorry. Except one boy, slightly overweight and nothing that most  would deem remarkable. “I’m sorry”, he says, and repeats it when he accidentally bumps me again, “I’m sorry”. Earnestly, honestly, and in his eyes I can see a pain similar to my own, though for different reasons. I give him a small smile, the first honest smile I’ve given anyone today.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Trying not to break
But I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I consider just staying on the bus, continuing it to the very end. Then getting on another, riding away until I’m so lost I could never come home. Maybe this hurt could be lost somewhere along the way. Still, I know he’d still plague my mind, and the next stop is mine.  Abandoning thoughts of leaving, I pull the cord, thank the bus driver, and walk away.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
Cause I swear
For the last time
I won’t trust myself with you                                                                                                                         I won’t trust myself with you

I won’t waste myself on you
Waste myself on you
You”

Loudly repeating, until the batteries are worn all the way down, and I’m left alone in silence.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Damn.

-CCS

You’re always dying inside
That much closer to home
A crowded street corner
Surrounded by people, all alone.
Pain in the heart
Rain in the dark
The wind is glum and bitter
She walks around the corner
Its like she brought the sun with her
Then everything just brightened up
I couldn’t make this up
My fingers in my eyes as she walked by
Like I was waking up
In so many words
I couldn’t string a sentence together to bother her
I instantly forgot all my plans and started to follow her

Its like the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
Feeling like your heart is beating solely for me

Your legs are long and toned
You must be walking home
I love the way your lips move
When you’re talking on your phone
Intoxicating and truly viewing impurities
Plague every thought of you 
While I’m trailing you like your security
Lost, we couldn’t know our paths would cross
But time knew it
Feet sticking out the window of opportunity
Climbing through it
Pain for sale
Looking to find a new taker
Chance to speak blown
When you looked at me
I looked in the newspaper

Because the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
Feeling like your heart is beating solely for me

I’m miles out of my way
Creepy, I want more
I would’ve turned back
But you stuck your key in your front door
I’m standing across the street
The stars have aligned us to meet
Standing outside with your trash
Feeling incomplete
My finger aching for your doorbell
Like a random blob
Instead I lurked outside in the cold
Like an abandoned dog
Perish the thought:
You should cherish the words that I got in my mouth
The only words that can truly explain how I got in your house

Because the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
Feeling like your heart is beating solely for me
Unlikely, impossible, I couldn’t dream and think it
There’s something happening between us, you can’t deceive
I’m so in over my head I’ve learned to breathe in it
Your eyes are screaming and they’re saying “No, baby” to me
If there was a way out I think you would’ve taken it
My hands and arms are the only way that you can leave
Face to face for the first time you feel what I’m feeling
Selfishly no longer breathing 
Because
Of me

I need to breathe

I know no one will understand

I hope no one will understand

Sitting here surrounded and alone

Wondering what the hell I did wrong

Ask a question, you scream in my face

Scattered, my emotions sinking in the floor

Is it my fault I don’t know where I am?

I really hope you don’t understand

Stumbling, falling, I’m stuck to the ground

You don’t know how broken I am

Still you laugh and mock and lie

You leave me with my molts and shells

I hate you, selfish, biting, bitter

Thoughts of ‘them’ hold down your conscience

You won’t be around

But I just can’t breathe when he’s not here

I can’t pretend I don’t care about him

The one I could never say no to

The one I can’t get out of my mind

You’ll convince yourself you’re different

So special in their eyes

Are you too good to talk to me?

Will you skip right out of my life?

Walk away, I dare you, get out

Leave me

with the one I couldn’t say no to

Didn’t you understand?

Don’t you understand?

He said I was beautiful

Taking all of me, I wait here empty

For the one thing to put my heart back inside

And when he comes it’s like waking

Rising out of some nightmare, into another all too real

And I wonder if he’s crazy, waiting on a dream

But what else is there to live for?

Put your mask back on, I know you will

Drain all the love around you

So shallow, petty, do you care for the world?

For anyone but you?

You leave me out to dry

You leave me feeling high

You leave me in the dust

Alone

You’re choking, laughing on your apology

I can’t make the words out

And I can’t stop hurting him

While another one plagues my mind

I hear my soul crying on the phone at night

How can I help when I can’t love my choice?

The whole world screaming in my skin

“You’re beautiful”

“You know what to do”

“I wanted you to call”

I want to love you but I don’t know if I can

“You’re beautiful, you’re special”

But they don’t understand

I hope they never understand

You don’t know how I feel

They don’t know how I fell

…….

Cause they won’t understand

I’m getting tired of trying to sleep

As I turn the lights on, it’s like waking from a dream

A sound like a whisper, a song like a scream

Ringing in my ears, but the tune won’t keep

…

Don’t make me a memory

Don’t doubt what you mean to me

I’d stay here through everything

Don’t make me a memory

…

The words written down have a life of their own

When no one is here, those words give me home

But words can’t describe that girl I had known

And now when I need them, words leave me alone

…

I lie here wondering if I have the right

To hold down the girl who dreams of flight

Does she even care if I drop this fight?

I wonder if she’s sleeping calm tonight

…

Don’t make me a memory

Don’t doubt what you mean to me

I’d stay here through everything

Don’t make me a memory

…

I ostracized myself in this lonely cage

I told him to never let me escape

What right, then do I have, to ask her to stay

That lost girl who wanted to rearrange

…

well…

…

Don’t stay in my memory

Don’t wait when you want to leave

We both know it’s what you need

Don’t stay in my memory

…

And as soon as they’re written, words leave my mind

They were set free, not ehy’ve left me behind

With hollow memories of her in my life

At least I’ll be able to sleep tonight

*NOTE* this is a well researched rant, if you are looking for organized, politically correct writing, might as well look elsewhere

I’m sorry to all of the incredibly loyal American people out there, but I’m putting something forward: I hate America. How can we call ourselves a free nation if we deny freedom to some of our own citizens, not to mention peoples in other countries. How can we call ourselves fair when the people who make the important decisions are paid to make the wrong ones? How can we call ourselves a great and beautiful nation with all that we’ve done? I”m not saying I believe it’s right, but can anyone blame people in the middle east who hate us? We’ve implanted dictators to rule over them (Saddam Hussein, who we only deposed of after his use had worn out, and the Shah of Iran), we’ve used our military might to back countries who’ve committed horrible genocides (Iraq under Saddam, Israel), and we’ve destroyed democracies that were just starting to bloom (Mossadeq in Iran). Or, maybe we haven’t done anything to them. It’s not like we have a history of oppressing people for our own gain. As our former (thank God) president, George W. Bush said “Americans are asking, ‘Why do they hate us?’ They hate what we see right here in this chamber: a democratically-elected government. Their leaders are self-appointed. They hate our freedoms – our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.” Hmm, well, last time I checked no one ever appointed the Shah of Iran, the people there wanted Mossadeq. Unfortunately, he had the outlandish idea to nationalize Iran’s oil, taking profits away from our helpless oil companies. Well, we couldn’t just let him walk all over us, could we? So, we deposed of Mossadeq in a Coup d’état, which was obviously the right thing to do. And then what do those ungrateful citizens do? Well, they hate us, how could they, after we instated a violent dictator over them, totally irrational. Our corporations use young children from poor countries to create their products at a cheap price. How much do those new, awesome Nikes cost, like $105, well the kid who made them probably got paid less that &1 an hour. Not to mention working long hours, with nothing but 1 5 minute water break. Indeed, what a glorious, just, and free country we are. There are so many examples of the cruelty of the US, I really couldn’t explain them all. Just research the WTO (World Trade Organization, and man those guys are corrupt), Israel and Palestine, Iran, Iraq, US corporations, the list winds on. And as if the present wasn’t enough, our country’s past also shows how terrible we are. When Christopher Columbus came to the Americas, his only thought was of taking the people’s gold. When he found none, our brave European had a genius idea, these people, who have given us sustenance, shelter, and all of their goodwill, bear no arms. Let’s kill them, take their land, and use the rest as slaves. Well, that was all well and good, except so many Native Americans died from European diseases (Which the Europeans attempted to spread among the Natives to make them easier to conquer), that those poor white people had no one to use for slaves. Well, not to fear, it seemed that God had given them Africa, a land full of people who could be judged by skin color, tortured, and regarded as less than human. For years, African Americans slaved under Europeans and Americans, being beaten, raped, separated from their loved ones, and having their lives and dignity stolen from them. Every day, I wonder how my ancestors could have done this, how my blood could have tortured people so much. I had a teacher once, who taught history. He said that he had to joke about the material in his class, or he couldn’t live with himself. He was and is not a bad, insensitive person, he just couldn’t live hating himself.  Even in our own country, we don’t grant people freedom. People aren’t fully free to engage in gay marriage, simply because some religious people made a fuss.  People should be allowed to choose their life paths, how they live, and in the end, how they die. If people’s lives are a torture to bear, and what is torturing them is going to end their lives soon anyway. They may as well be able to choose Death with Dignity. The US is a corrupted nation, a rotted promise, and a twisted hope. We maintain the illusion of freedom, democracy, and goodness, while consuming everything around us for profit. We allow people to control others’ lives, and all the while claim to be a free nation. A damn free nation. This isn’t free, this isn’t right. I’m all for Obama, and I believe he can make a change, but it won’t be enough. Something truly radical needs to occur to change our course.  However, I am certain this will not happen in my lifetime, or in that of the next generations. The past shows the future, and nothing has changed, people remain ignorant and our government remains selfish. But only when we have changed our ways can we truly be forgiven. Only when this country becomes what we claim, can I ever stop hating it, and hating myself for being part of it.

“With liberty and justice for all”

-CCS

Also, check this out:

http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article14998.htm