The Oak

Sometimes, I sit near the trees

Oldest living thing

Wonder what memories they’d have

If they had eyes

If they could hear

Strange

I still feel like they remember

Remember their lives, and other people who sat beneath their branches

Wonder how many people came before me

And sat

Beneath the trees

this is another poem by Restless. And sorry that I took out all your periods, but I have a no periods in poetry rule.

The River

Life flows like a river, always towards the sea

Limitless, but limited all the same.

Unstoppable, but dammed anyway

Rerouted, but still flowing

The river doesn’t care about the small things

Nuisances really

The river will be there long after all the dams

Have collapsed into ruin

Wheathering changes everything except the river

Does the river not flow even when

The channel is changed?

Does the river not continue to exist even

after the fish are gone?

We are all just fish swimming down river

Towards the end

Where all beings are equal

Where the river meets the sea

The river does it’s one job perfectly

Return to the sea, everything

This was written by a friend of mine, he has many names, including Gildeneye, Restless, and my personal favorite, Schmackles.

For You

She had the most beautiful veins, like stained glass

If glass could be ripped

Torn, shredded

Please tell her I’m sorry

If that makes any sense

It screamed in my skin, her bliss

the merits of her plastic-wrap cover

Hiding the holes all through her body

And they thought she was gorgeous

But how could they ever know who she was

If she wouldn’t even let them see her face

And she turned away from all I ever wanted

Leaving them with sorrow

And me, barely suppressed envy

I guess I was never good enough

Not that any of us were

Not good enough for her, to keep her here

If that makes any sense

Still I could never get anything right

I never knew what to say

How to feel

Where to go when it all falls backwards

But I never lied to you, well

Maybe told a lie

But never lived one, if that makes any sense

I just avoid what I couldn’t stand to say

Cause when the truth comes out before its time

The world falls, and she falls hard

So turn me down, shut me up

Was never good enough anyway, let me go

All these pages are wasted

With cliched phrases, twisted words, and bad rhythms

Not like her songs, and her beautiful voice

Makes me wonder what it’s like up there

Above all us, will she tell me

A glimpse of what I always wanted

But she hates it, I’m lucky without

She tells me

While I’m drowning like the moon in the sky

More like a far off star no one can see

I always wait for you, you always pass me by

You act so blank to me, I say

Do you know who you are

Sometimes, she says

Only sometimes

And I don’t understand this

Cause if I could ever count on one thing, it was me

I know who I am

Always, I can stand and shout I am, and nothing simpler

If that makes any sense

But in the end, none of this will matter anyway

I don’t know if that’s consolation

The way I feel, me

Insignificant

Frivolity, I’ll laugh at it later

Gotta say, I don’t feel like laughing now

If that makes any sense

But in the end, a final summary

She’s everything more than me

All I ever wanted

He’s the thing that can never be

And thus I have to try till it breaks me

I’m going down the drain, falling through the cracks

I’d prefer that you didn’t understand

And the one thing I wanted to save

Is gone, even though we pretend not to realize

And it’s my fault, and if you read this

I’m sorry

In the end I couldn’t be everything, always

Even for you

Shameless

I am not ashamed

To be the hopeless dreamer

To think of a face

Cracked

And Love Underneath

I am not ashamed

To fall from the arms of love

And choose instead

Lust

Her fraternal twin

I am not ashamed

To lose what I had yearned for

Willingly with Strength

Pride

Sacrificed for freedom

I am not ashamed

To listen to music no one knows

Or hears or likes

Being

Me and nothing simpler

I am not ashamed

To laugh and to smile and be happy

During the tempests

Alive

Not overcome and broken

I am not ashamed

To love

For all I ever wanted

Was to love and to love and to love

And not to be frozen

Realize

Oozing out of my heart

The black thing is in me again

But they don’t see it

Ever

I’m laughing to their ears

Inside tearing and raging

Fighting against the vaccuum

Everything is never enough

There’s always something going wrong

Everytime

A reason to fall into the dark

Descend into depression

I smile to their eyes

Inside crying and choking

He looks straight at me

Stares for awhile

I return the look with pleading eyes

I need some one to understand

I feel like I’ll die

I’m dying

I’m never happy for long

It’s like waves up and down

All the time

I need him to understand

And for a little, I think he does

But he raises his eyebrows

Looks away

And the wave crashes down

Bloodflowers- The Cure

“this dream never ends” you said
“this feeling never goes
The time will never come to slip away”
“this wave never breaks” you said
“this sun never sets again
These flowers will never fade”
“this world never stops” you said
“this wonder never leaves
The time will never come to say goodbye”
“this tide never turns” you said
“this night never falls again
These flowers will never die”

Never die
Never die
These flowers will never die

“this dream always ends” I said
“this feeling always goes
The time always comes to slip away”
“this wave always breaks” I said
“this sun always sets again
And these flowers will always fade”
“this world always stops” I said
“this wonder always leaves
The time always comes to say goodbye”
“this tide always turns” I said
“this night always falls again
And these flowers will always die”

Always die
Always die
These flowers will always die

Between you and me
It’s hard to ever really know
Who to trust
How to think
What to believe
Between me and you
It’s hard to ever really know
Who to choose
How to feel
What to do

Never fade
Never die
You give me flowers of love

Always fade
Always die
I let fall flowers of blood

To – - – - -

Hey, – - – - -. It’s been awhile since we talked, I mean really talked. Not the silly small talk that hides what you really want to say, but the kind of conversation between people who’ve known each other so well so long. Or who knew, as the case may be. I feel like I don’t know you at all anymore, which is why I post this on my blog rather than sending it to your email, or calling you, or even saying it in person. Sad as it is, I’ll post it, and maybe if you ever think of me, you’ll find this. I’m not blaming you for leaving, I hope you know that. It really is a shock that you even stayed around for that long. I was the one who left, I was the one who did this to you. And now you’re doing it to me, which is one of those fuck irony things. Still, I miss you a helluva lot, and I wish you would talk to me. I wish you’d invite me to hang out with you, or to your birthday party, or to talk in the hall during a movie. Still, it isn’t right. I can’t ask you that, I can’t request what I denied you for so long. I don’t even know if I’ve changed, if you came back, would it be the same thing all over again? I’d like to think I’ve learned to let go of him a bit, I’d like to think I’ve been hanging out with you and the rest of the group more, but then again, I’ve been wrong before. While I’m letting everything out, I’d just like to say she really annoys me. I’m pretty sure it’s mostly a jealousy thing, but  you guys seem to act to weird around each other. And she’s always hanging all over you, and thinking she’s the only person in the world that matters to you, and thinking no one else knows you like she does. Maybe that’s true, but I used to know you, used to probably being the key phrase there, but maybe I still do. Please don’t get mad at me for saying anything, I’ll state once more it’s probably just jealousy, and I’m saying this not to be judged, but to let everything out. Also, I thought the fact that you guys wrote an article on your friendship was kinda stupid, and it was already pretty soppy even without the editors’ editing. She’s really mean to, to pretty much everyone except you. I know she’s alot better, but she still says random, mean things, that sometimes sting a bit more than they need to. Still, she doesn’t have a lot to do with what I’m trying to say here, I just had to tell some one that. The thing is, we’ve switched roles. I guess you really don’t know what you have til it’s gone. Now you’re the one spending a lot of time with just one person, and I’m watching and waiting for you. Also, you’re rarely “there” with the group anymore. Yeah, you sit there, but you don’t say much, and you don’t even sit by us sometimes. It confuses them, and it makes the Wizened one (yeah, I’m totally calling him that now) just follow you around. By the way, I hate that. Even though he’s willing, you shouldn’t treat him like a lost puppy you let trail you. You just take from him and don’t give anything back. Of course, he’s probably just doing that and you’d probably be more than happy if he left, and if I’m wrong, I’m sorry. But in the end, I know we had a hard time. High school is a time of change, and getitng used to knew things. To be honest, I really wish it was like it used to be. Without all this complicated stuff. And, I don’t know if you can or want to, but, I wish you’d come back. Maybe even a little bit. Will you spend time with me, maybe even call me and suggest it? Maybe we could find a balance, with you and her, and me and him. To be honest, I’d really like that, especially since you’ll be gone next year. You probably won’t or can’t, a post on a blog isn’t enough to make up for a year of my, betrayel, I guess. But if you can, even a little bit, I’d… really like that. As much as they don’t like admitting it, the anacondas (who are sitll superior, regardless) miss the red pandas, and wish they’d come back. They’d even get on their kness if they had them. I’m sorry, – - – - – , for what I did. And if you can possibly give me another chance, please come back.

Love,

CCS (- – - – - – -)

Isn’t it funny?

Isn’t it funny how things change

How they break

I wonder if you even know what I’m talking about

I wonder if I looked, would I see you in your eyes?

Or the wall that fools everyone else

Would you be there, for me?

Or did you retreat in the back of your soul, I bet you did

See, you aren’t like me, like us

Laughter is the only way we live

But you, you were made for something greater

We all knew it, all saw it in you

And just like all the others, I could see your pain

But I couldn’t understand it

Get used to it

I couldn’t fix you

So while you cried there, I laughed it all away

And you looked at me like I’m some kind of monster

Cause you didn’t understand my pain either

But you couldn’t laugh, you wilted away

I watched you fade, but I kept laughing

I believed in you

I really thought you’d stay, I thought I could keep you

Like them, I never could let you go

So you’re leaving, well good for you

I guess you gave up hiding in your eyes

Are you going away so we can’t look anymore?

You were always good at running

They were always good at being fooled

To each his own

When you’re gone, I’ll keep laughing

See if I can keep these threads together

My tapestry won’t be as good as yours, but maybe I can keep it from breaking

Long enough for you to come home

Chiding me for the messed up stitches, the knots, the loose threads

And fix it all up again

I’ll laugh it all off again

Of course

But inside, I’ll wish I could weave as well as you

You were right, you know

Almost prophetic

“she’s not here, and I’m an excellent cleaning lady”

You won’t be here, and I’ll try to be the cleaning lady

From The Inside

“Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
Cause I swear
For the last time
I won’t trust myself with you”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The same song plays in my ears, again and again. From The Inside, by Linkin Park. Put on repeat, turned up full volume, drowning out the worries in my mind. But hell, now he’s walking up to me, a vibrant smile all over your face. I don’t know what to do, trapped here by my words and promises. Then he’s holding me, like he always does. Squeezing tight, whispering “I love you” in my ear. I marvel at how I would have welcomed his embrace so recently, and now I can hardly breathe in his arms. Still, I hug him back, revulsion rising up from my gut to choke me. I stare emotionlessly at the wall behind you, “I love you too“, I say back, unsure what I mean by those volatile words. Then relief, the bell rings, and I’m free.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Though dull, the classes pass too soon, with thoughts of some one forbidden in my mind. I don’t smile, staring empty through the window, wishing I knew what I wanted.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Don’t know who to trust
No surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust
And the lies”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Too soon, I’m back in your arms again, and he’s still in my mind. I watch the rest of them around me, the music drowning out their words.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Trying not to break
But I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The stream of music keeping me alive is broken by laughter. I turn my music up louder, but I can still hear them and I can see him staring at me sadly, wondering why I’m not laughing, staring emotionlessly at the wall. I can’t stay here anymore, my mind screams at me to leave. Before they know what’s going on, I grab my bag and quickly walk out of the room. Away from his innocent eyes.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Sitting in a bathroom stall, finally alone. I let myself release, tears forming in my eyes. Quickly they’re wiped away, no one will see. No one will know.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Walking down the hallway, wondering if they’re thinking of me. I instinctively go to my locker, not thinking, just drowning in the music.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I’m rudely awakened by a locker door slamming into my head, “Oh.. I’m sorry”, the girl begins, smiling far too sweetly. I stare back at her, I wonder if she sees the cold in my eyes. Her false apology is interrupted as her boyfriend grabs her spandex clothed waist and kisses her. I quickly gather my books and leave. Thoughts of ‘him’ follow me like a ghost. Lazily trailing after me, haunting my soul with his laugh.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

At the bus stop, surrounded by a swarming mass of people. Laughing, joking, I turn the song up louder. Still, my thoughts vie for my attention. “I think I love him, but why… and I’m betraying him by thinking of some one else, and…..” I turn the music up so I can’t hear my thoughts anymore.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
Cause I swear
For the last time
I won’t trust myself with you”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Then the bus pulls up, and it’s a mad stampede as people rush to be the first to board. I calmly draw my pass from my wallet and walk slowly towards the bus. Eventually I board the bus, standing grasping one of the handholds, staring blankly out the window. People are all around, swearing at each other, laughing, doing their best to interrupt my vigil. But I will not be distracted, and I scream the words in the back of my mind. Still, the shrieking laugh of a boy I barely know pierces the music. I turn to look at his group, disdainfully cold. They feel my gaze and look at me, hushed into silence. I turn around and hold back the urge to cry.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

It’s the stop almost before mine, everyone pushing to get off. I’m jostled and shoved, but people are all too busy to say they’re sorry. Except one boy, slightly overweight and nothing that most  would deem remarkable. “I’m sorry”, he says, and repeats it when he accidentally bumps me again, “I’m sorry”. Earnestly, honestly, and in his eyes I can see a pain similar to my own, though for different reasons. I give him a small smile, the first honest smile I’ve given anyone today.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Trying not to break
But I’m so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I consider just staying on the bus, continuing it to the very end. Then getting on another, riding away until I’m so lost I could never come home. Maybe this hurt could be lost somewhere along the way. Still, I know he’d still plague my mind, and the next stop is mine.  Abandoning thoughts of leaving, I pull the cord, thank the bus driver, and walk away.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
Cause I swear
For the last time
I won’t trust myself with you                                                                                                                         I won’t trust myself with you

I won’t waste myself on you
Waste myself on you
You”

Loudly repeating, until the batteries are worn all the way down, and I’m left alone in silence.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Damn.

-CCS

Cage- I Never Knew You

You’re always dying inside
That much closer to home
A crowded street corner
Surrounded by people, all alone.
Pain in the heart
Rain in the dark
The wind is glum and bitter
She walks around the corner
Its like she brought the sun with her
Then everything just brightened up
I couldn’t make this up
My fingers in my eyes as she walked by
Like I was waking up
In so many words
I couldn’t string a sentence together to bother her
I instantly forgot all my plans and started to follow her

Its like the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
Feeling like your heart is beating solely for me

Your legs are long and toned
You must be walking home
I love the way your lips move
When you’re talking on your phone
Intoxicating and truly viewing impurities
Plague every thought of you 
While I’m trailing you like your security
Lost, we couldn’t know our paths would cross
But time knew it
Feet sticking out the window of opportunity
Climbing through it
Pain for sale
Looking to find a new taker
Chance to speak blown
When you looked at me
I looked in the newspaper

Because the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
Feeling like your heart is beating solely for me

I’m miles out of my way
Creepy, I want more
I would’ve turned back
But you stuck your key in your front door
I’m standing across the street
The stars have aligned us to meet
Standing outside with your trash
Feeling incomplete
My finger aching for your doorbell
Like a random blob
Instead I lurked outside in the cold
Like an abandoned dog
Perish the thought:
You should cherish the words that I got in my mouth
The only words that can truly explain how I got in your house

Because the sky opened and God handed you directly to me
I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I’m sinking
Feeling like your heart is beating solely for me
Unlikely, impossible, I couldn’t dream and think it
There’s something happening between us, you can’t deceive
I’m so in over my head I’ve learned to breathe in it
Your eyes are screaming and they’re saying “No, baby” to me
If there was a way out I think you would’ve taken it
My hands and arms are the only way that you can leave
Face to face for the first time you feel what I’m feeling
Selfishly no longer breathing 
Because
Of me